And in my hour of darkness, there is still a light that shines on me.

[radicalize]

It had been a long, long time since Lucy Carrigan set foot in a church. Certainly not in the six months and some-odd days that she'd been on the island, and there hadn't been time in New York, not between juggling protests and her waitressing job. No, she remembered the day exactly, and every detail of the circumstances.

Daniel's funeral. What would have been almost a year and a half ago, were she still back home. She could still picture all of it, feel the warm spring rain and hear the customary gunshots as they lowered his casket; in a way, it was what had kept her away from churches in the time that followed. They were all marked, as it were, with the memory of his death.

She found it oddly fitting, then, that what brought her back into one was the realization that it was Memorial Day. The exact reasoning behind it, she couldn't quite put her finger on, but it felt fitting, for the first time since then. And maybe she needed it, now. It wasn't as if things had been going especially well over the past few weeks, and she'd done a bunch of things she wasn't particularly proud of. She wouldn't count on it, but there was still that off chance it could do her some good.

It wasn't just Daniel she prayed for once she was on her knees in the church, speaking in a voice so hushed it was hardly recognizable as her own, though he was a big part of it -- sweet Daniel, who she'd moved past so quickly, after what people called a perfect relationship. It was Daniel and all the boys who'd died, ones she'd heard about and known peripherally and seen on TV and not. After them came Paco, who she'd been missing more and more since she ended things with Jude; she still didn't know what had happened to him after the riot, or whether or not Jude's story about the bomb was to be believed, but in a way, if it was, it would have made him a casualty of sorts, too, which fit him in with the rest of the list. From there, she'd reached the point of not thinking about what she said, and she moved on to her family back home, and the people she'd known who disappeared, and then, finally, her brother. Max, and everything that had gone wrong over the past few months. She may have hardly been speaking to him anymore, but that didn't change the fact that there was nothing she would have done for him, that she would put his well-being over hers no matter what, that she was still harboring all sorts of guilt about the incident with the morphine.

Before she realized it, she was brushing away tears that were rolling down her cheeks, sniffling gently. It was hardly infrequently that she wished things could have gone back to the way they were when it was all simpler, before the war tore everything apart, but she couldn't remember a time she wanted it more than she did in that moment.

[Find her in the church, or outside it, following the post.]

Comments

[jill-langston.livejournal.com]

The only time Jill really came near the church was when she was on her way past it, heading home from Lucifer's or somewhere else nearby. Still, she had to stop when she saw Lucy coming out of the church, looking like she'd been crying. Although she didn't know why, she felt strangely responsible for the younger woman, like there was something she could do to make things easier on her when she knew that wasn't the case at all. Maybe part of it was that she missed having someone to take care of like she'd taken care of Bob.

Lifting her hand in a slow wave, Jill approached, saying, "Hey, Lucy."

[radicalize]

At the sight of Jill, Lucy swallowed heavily, but she managed a smile as she got closer. Though she was still unsettled, it was strangely cathartic, letting out all that she had in the church, so it wasn't as if she was quite as miserable as she'd spent most of her time being lately.

"Hey," she replied, her face unchanging despite the slight waver in her voice. Carrying out a conversation with someone who'd talk back was different than monologuing in a church to a God who may or may not have been real. "What's up?"

[jill-langston.livejournal.com]

"I was just heading back to my place," she answered, gesturing to where her hut lay ahead, although it was still a bit of a walk. Nothing on this island was close, it seemed, though at least she got more exercise here than she'd managed to get back in Toronto. "Are you okay?"

There were all sorts of things that could be happening on the island, but Jill was peripherally aware of what day it was and she thought it might have more of an impact on Lucy than some.

[radicalize]

"Yeah," Lucy replied instinctively, not sure just how much truth it held, and rubbed idly at one cheek, though the tears she'd shed in the church had dried. "It's just - it's, you know, Memorial Day, and -"

Cutting herself off, she shrugged, as casually as she could. "It's my first since Daniel -- my first boyfriend -- died," she managed finally, the words just slightly forced. "No big deal, it just made me think, is all. You mind some company?"

[jill-langston.livejournal.com]

"Of course not," Jill answered easily, nodding slightly for Lucy to join her. "Daniel was a soldier, then? Like Max?" She doubted Memorial Day would mean so much if he hadn't been, but it was always better to ask than to make assumptions.

Jill felt lucky that in her time she'd experienced so little war, that it had only begun to get scary when she'd arrived on the island. It would never be what the world had been like in the sixties, though.

[radicalize]

Biting her lower lip, Lucy nodded once, a solemn sort of gesture. "He was, yeah," she half-murmured. "Before Max was drafted, even, he got sent over, and...he got killed."

There was a strange sort of irony, she thought, in the fact that Daniel had wanted to go and died, and Max hadn't and lived. She didn't know why, exactly, but it seemed somehow bizarre.

[jill-langston.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Jill said honestly. Sometimes apologies over a death sounded trite, but she felt it would be inconsiderate not to at least acknowledge the loss Lucy had experienced. "That must've been very difficult." To lose someone and then have her brother be sent over as well.

"We tried to stop this sort of thing back home," she murmured after a moment. "Nothing quite like Vietnam, but we worked to control bioterrorism and put a stop to people who were using viruses and bacterias to fight their wars."

[radicalize]

It all sounded incredibly foreign to Lucy, the notion of that sort of warfare, but she nodded slowly. The sound of it was good, at the least; preventing any wars was the right thing, as far as she was concerned. "It was," she finally replied, in response to the first thing that was said, though she shrugged almost immediately. "But it was a long time ago, now."

Dwelling on the subject still didn't seem quite right, even with what day it was, so she bit her lower lip, glancing back to Jill. "That...that sounds really interesting, though," she said, and let out a soft, bitter laugh before she could help it. "Better than any efforts we had."

[listentomystory.livejournal.com]

Jude knew what day it was. He had earlier caught sight of Lucy and saw her heading towards the church, and he wondered whether or not he should follow, whether she would be too angry or upset to deal with him that day. But he decided to go, and it wasn't a bad idea to be in a church anyway, no matter how religious or irreligious he had previously been.

He watched her pray from the doorway, leaning in the frame still wondering if he should say a thing. Afterall, they had gone through the war together, and despite the fact that it did tear them apart he knew that he wouldn't have made it through without Lucy by his side. So all he did was stand, glancing around the church and every so often back at Lucy, speechless only out of fear of upsetting her, and waiting for her to finish saying her prayers.

[radicalize]

The last thing Lucy had been expecting to see when she finally stood and turned to walk out was Jude standing there watching her, and she literally jumped, inhaling sharply out of surprise. "Oh, Jesus Christ," she exhaled quickly, then glanced off to the side, muttering just under her breath what might have been an apology. It was a few seconds still before she could get herself fully composed, but she rocked back on her heels, trying her hardest not to appear as if she'd just been crying. That was certainly the last thing she needed now.

"Jude," she said slowly, jaw set out of discomfort. "How, um - how long have you been standing there?"

[listentomystory.livejournal.com]

Jude almost jumped with her, just as surprised at her reaction as she was to see him.

"Oh, uh, not long," he lied. He had been standing there for at least 10 minutes just trying to work up the courage to say something.

[radicalize]

Lucy nodded a little too quickly, anxious to get past him, move, anything. The last time they'd talked may have gone well, to a degree, from her end, but that didn't mean things weren't awkward between them. "Oh," she replied simply, reaching up to run a hand through her hair. "Do you...do you need anything, or...?" The last she'd checked, Jude wasn't much of a churchgoer, but then again, the last time she'd checked, both he and her brother were into girls, not each other.

[listentomystory.livejournal.com]

Jude hadn't been expecting a parade or anything. He knew that things between would be...well, forced... at least for a little while, if not for the rest of their lives.

"Well, I was walking by and noticed you in here. Seeing what day it is, I thought you uh, well..." now that he thought about it, he was probably the last face she wanted to see on Memorial Day, "well, I thought you might want someone to talk to or something." Taking a hand out of his pocket, he gestured his thumb behind him, "But I can just go if..."

[radicalize]

"I don't want to fight," Lucy cut in quickly, looking suddenly as exhausted as she'd felt for well over a year now. The fact that he'd even noticed what day it was came as something of a surprise, though, and she made no effort to hide it. "But if you wanna...I don't know, walk, or something? I think I'd be okay with that."

[listentomystory.livejournal.com]

Although he had made the offer, Jude was surprised when she agreed, so a quick came across his face he turned to walk out, turning his head towards Lucy as though he were making sure she was actually coming.

As they began to walk, he remained silent, not sure if she wanted him to just be there or distract her with funny stories, although he really had none, or anything. But Jude stayed to his normal tactic and walked forward with his hands in his pockets and his head watching the ground while occasionally glancing up at Lucy to see what she would do.

[radicalize]

Lucy fell silent for what felt like an eternity, eyes cast down to her feet, arms folded across her chest. All things considered, she had no idea of what she was supposed to say to him, let alone even why she'd agreed to his company. Keeping quiet beat arguing, she supposed, but that didn't make her any more comfortable with the situation, and finally, she sighed, glancing up out of the corners of her eyes.

"You mind if I smoke?" she asked, cautious without realizing it. She'd been smoking too much lately, and she knew it, but she was beginning to see why people like Jude and her brother did so often. It was a hard habit to break, and an odd comfort.

[so-heavy.livejournal.com]

Max was not a church-goer by any definition of the word. He found the entire concept antiquated and restrictive, and he'd never felt any particular benefit from faith in anything but other people. It was just one more way, he'd say, that Lucy was a better person than he was. It never occurred to him to pray for anybody, not even himself.

Down the pathway from the church he'd paused, shoulders hunched forward and hands cuppped before his face as he lit a cigarette. He really needed to slow down, or his smokes weren't going to last him. Despite the idea that he should be happy to now be with Jude, he'd been stressed and chain smoking since they'd gotten together. He hadn't seen Lucy for more than a few seconds since she'd discovered them, and it bothered him.

[radicalize]

Lucy wasn't paying much attention to where she was going as she left the church, too wrapped up in all she'd said and all that was still on her mind. She hardly even noticed Max at first, one of the last people she was expecting to run into, until she found herself skidding to a stop a few feet away. It had been what felt like a long time since she'd really seen him, and even without saying anything yet, she could already feel tension building, a sensation she was altogether uncomfortable with. Still, she couldn't just pass by him; it seemed appropriate, too, that she'd run into him on today of all days.

"Max," she exhaled softly, just loud enough to be audible, arms folded over her chest in what was likely a subconscious effort at self-defense. "Um. Hey." She never had thought she would see the day that she'd be so nervous around her brother, but it was definitely happening then.

[so-heavy.livejournal.com]

Max instantly stilled at the sound of the familiar voice, and looked up over his cigarette to find Lucy standing several feet away, watching him. He exhaled a stream of smoke and swallowed roughly around the lump in his throat before replying.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asked, as if this were the start of any normal, everyday sort of conversation.

[radicalize]

"Not very," Lucy answered truthfully, unable to help the defensive edge rising in her voice. She hated this, their barely speaking, and the fact that exchanging all of two lines of dialogue felt like a standoff of sorts. "I was just, you know -" she stammered, gesturing to the path behind her with one hand, "- out walking. From...from the church." Despite the tension, she saw no reason not to tell him. Even if he asked, it wasn't as if what had prompted her to go held no significance for him.

[so-heavy.livejournal.com]

"Since when are you religious?" Max asked, jumping on the topic when it presented itself. Discussing Lucy's religious proclivities was easier than discussing the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room, even though Max had a feeling there was only so long they could go on avoiding it.

[radicalize]

"Since -" Lucy began, and cut herself off, hands twisting in front of her as she glanced down to her feet. Max, it appeared, wasn't aware of the date, and with how tense things were already, she didn't know the best way to present the information.

In the end, though, the best thing to do seemed to be to just say it. "It's Memorial Day," she murmured, and flushed a pale shade of pink. "I just thought it might be appropriate."

[so-heavy.livejournal.com]

Despite how spacey Max could seem at times, he was not, in fact, stupid. He'd gone to Princeton, for crissakes. Still, it took him a long moment of staring in confusion at Lucy before he realized why she'd care. To his mind, he wasn't really a soldier, and there wasn't a lot about the experience he particularly wanted to remember.

"Daniel was a good guy," he said, thinking that her prayers were better dedicated to the faded memory of her first boyfriend than to him.

[theinsideman.livejournal.com]

Desmond hesitated before calling Lucy's name out, picking up his pace down the path. He'd been working on another piece and he wanted to share it with her.

Sketch book tucked beneath his arm, he drew up beside her, falling into step with her, and smiled sideways at her until he caught sight of the look on her face. It seemed to be a weird running theme with them. It was starting to feel like the majority of the time Desmond ran into her, Lucy had a pensive sort of look on her face.

"Hey."

[radicalize]

Lucy actually brightened a little at the sound of a familiar voice, though her smile was slightly strained as she looked over at him. "Hey," she replied quietly, running a hand through her hair as if that would distract from the fact that she'd obviously been preoccupied, if not upset.

She'd never been especially good at hiding that, though.

One hand in her pocket, she bit her lower lip. "What's up?"